


Built to fall apart

by Inalovelyplace



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, Bc they were like 17, But I don't know the SW age of consent, Dark, F/M, Flashbacks, Mentions of Sex, Miscarriage, Slight Violence, The underage tag is a technicality, unprotected sex
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-22
Updated: 2016-09-28
Packaged: 2018-05-15 12:28:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,512
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5785327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Inalovelyplace/pseuds/Inalovelyplace
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Han Solo wasn't the only person Kylo saw on the bridge that day.</p><p>I'm terrible at summaries. Enter for soul-ripping angst.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I had Out of the Woods by Taylor Swift stuck in my head when I wrote this, but you should ignore that.
> 
> Prepare for angst

“How long will you be gone?” He sighed, pressing his cheek into the top of her head. He had become nearly dependent on her, in the past year Ben had felt the darkness tugging him away. He kept it all a secret, even from her, hidden away in the darkest corner of his mind only to be taken out when he was alone and under the cover of darkness. She alone was his lighthouse, that small point that he clung so desperately to, knowing it was only a matter of time.

 

“Just about a month” she sighed and traced patterns lazily into his thin sleeping shirt, “I leave in the morning.” Stars, a month! It would be agony. Ben prayed memory of her would be enough to tide him over.

 

“Our last night,” he said, with an odd finality even he didn't understand, “better make it a good one then.”

* * *

 

The body of his father fell away, and Kylo couldn't bring himself to watch it fall into the mist. Instead he turned the opposite direction and made his way off the bridge. Or he would have, had there not been a ghost waiting for him on the other side.

 

“I didn't think you would come” he said, not any louder than he had to for only her to hear as he began to lessen the large gap between them. He thought proximity might soften her, but her face remained stony in it’s hateful expression.

 

“I had to. Thought it might burn through the last lingering threads of my feelings for you” she seemed to laugh, but there was no trace of mirth in the sound as he neared the end of the bridge. 

 

An eyebrow raised, just slightly, “Still holding on hope, are we?” His tone was near mocking as she glared daggers at him

 

“Stars, you don't even know” her voice was nearly a growl, in the corner of his eye Kylo saw her hand tighten around a weapon, he hadn't even thought to check if she had one. 

 

“Tell me then.” His tone was forced, yet somehow still flat, how much emotional toil could one day put him through?

 

“That day will always be burned into me. I lost  _ far _ more than you could even imagine” 

 

“What do you mean?” Something changed in him then, was it confusion? Curiosity? Whatever it was he didn't like the feeling.

 

Something changed in her too, a sudden softness as if for a moment she was living another life. She was again that cheery girl he trained with, who snuck out of her room at night to be with him, and in the same instant the sad and broken woman he had left in his wake of turning to the Dark side, “I was so excited to come back, I remember, so excited to tell you..” Her hand drifted sadly down her stomach, as if comforting the memory itself.

 

“I have… a ch--”

 

“No, Kylo!” She spat, tense again, “ _ Ben Solo _ and I  _ had _ a child.” The poison rose again in her voice as the images of destruction flashed through her mind. He could see them, he could see the scorched buildings and bloodied ground, images of her weeping over the mangled bodies of her friends, as Luke stood on silently, still in shock, “did you know that great emotional trauma can cause early labor? Or, in the case of my barely budding life,  _ miscarriage _ ?”

 

The horror was evident on Kylo’s face as he watched the woman he once loved (still loved?) break down. 

 

“That day you murdered, my friends, my family, the man I loved, and my  _ child _ ” she nearly screamed, emotion getting the best of her as she crumpled in on herself and he caught her by reflex. It felt like a miracle, even under such circumstances as these, to have her in his arms again

 

“Please, Ben” she whispered, looking up at him with shining eyes, “I'm so tired. Just put me out of my misery.” She begged and laid her head on his chest, “you took everything else, have my life as well.”

 

This moment was vital, he could see the path before him splitting clearly. The darkness said to kill her, to let this newfound pain further fuel his rage, it would be so easy in this vulnerable position. He could split her in half with his saber, would barely have to flick his wrist. He could just as easily squeeze the life from her broken form with the Force, or even drop her over the rail to join his father.

 

On the other hand, he could break. He could give in and kiss her, forget about the girl he should be pursuing and take her away, what was one fleeing Tie Fighter among the masses? To whisk them away into hiding until she trusted him again, until it was safe for him to return to his mother and beg forgiveness. He could see it all laid out in his mind, a happy life somewhere green, playing outside with a toddler that had his dark hair and her bright smile as she stood by the door with his mother fussing over her as she smiled at them and contentedly rubbed her pregnant belly. 

 

But then something hardened deep in his chest, pushing the sunshine away, the voice of Snoke, _ “this will be your greatest test yet”.  _ And he pushed her away, refusing to look at her.

 

“That would be showing mercy” he said coldly, brushing past, “I suggest you get out of this facility rather quickly if you don't wish to be incinerated, I have a suspicion that fool and his  _ dog _ have compromised the structure”

  
And with that, she knew. Ben Solo was well and truly dead.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath, though not immediately after.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is honestly some nonsense I thew together at 3am in hopes of making a second chapter. Sorry if it's a bit jumbled or grammatically incorrect or just plain poorly written.

_“You've let her back in”_

“No-- _No!_ Supreme Leader, I won't allow it. I will not be compromised by sentiment.”

“Do you think me a fool? That I cannot see into every corner of your mind. She is there. It may be too late. You should have killed her when you had the chance”

“I thought you--”

“Enough of your excuses.”

The hologram of the Supreme Leader snapped out of existence, leaving Kylo alone yet again with his inner turmoil.

Far across the galaxy, she lay on her side atop a narrow cot, a thin sheet to keep her warm as her wounds were methodically tended to by the medic droid. She had narrowly escaped the disintegrating planet, picked up in the last second by one of the x-wing pilots that received a distress beacon from her comm unit.

The right side of her body had been badly scorched from her ribs down, and they were growing new cells for her, but the repair took longer than many of the other treatments. Not that the passage of time seemed to have any effect on her. The doctors had initially thought she had sustained some sort of memory loss or incapacitating head injury, all scans reported her brain function as entirely normal.

All she could see was him. Days passed, then weeks, as she cycled through playing the brief encounter over and over in her mind and loathing herself for thinking she could ever get Ben back. Now Ben Solo only lived within the realm of her mind, where the two of them could be happy and free. Laughing and playing in the sunlight like children.

_Entirely unrealistic._ A voice in her head had snapped. It was the first time in months she had made a sound, a soft gasp slipping between her lips as she realized exactly whose voice that was.

Kylo Ren sat alone in a darkened room, cursing himself silently for letting the comment slip through. The walls around his mind slamming back down immediately. She was so easy for him to read, even when he wasn't very experienced, and guilt had driven him to reach out, just to see if she had survived.

She laid in her bed and wept.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comment and let me know if it makes any sense?


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some flash back business of finding out she was pregnant.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I'm tired of using 'she' all the time so I had to pick a name, I'm removing the xReader tag so she's just an OC now. I wrote this hella fast sorry if it sucks.

In another life, a younger version of herself sat in the captain’s seat of a small one-man ship. She had felt terrible all day, all week even, her stomach acting as her alarm that morning to yank her from her bed, making a beeline for the toilet. She grumbled lightly, digging through her bag for the anti-nausea medication she knew sat in the little first aid kit she had packed. She paused, seeing the unopened container of sanitary products that sat beside it. Her trip was a month long, ensuring that she would definitely have her cycle at one point or another before it was over. And yet, here she stood, looking worriedly down at the plastic packaging.

 

_ No. No way.. When..? _

 

She thought back to when she had last had it,Her schedule being relatively regular, it should have come her first week out on the mission, meaning that the week prior to that  _ and her last night with Ben _ she had been at her most likely to…

 

Her stomach rolled again, but this time for a different reason.  _ But we.. we always use protection!  _ Birth control wasn’t often seen around the Academy, not when Jedis and even Jedis-in-training were supposed to be the ones controlling their.. Urges. Ben had been given a box of contraceptives the last time his parents had visited, apparently the result of a very awkward conversation with his father. He was even blushy when he offered her half to keep in her room, ‘just in case’. 

 

Stars! Had they really been so caught up in each other that they flat out  _ forgot _ to? She thought over that night, her rather vivid memory flooded her senses with the familiar feeling of Ben’s warm weight atop her, the rumble of his deep voice on her neck, and.. And.. it wasn’t there. She always made a note of how cute he was, fumbling with the packaging, blushing impossibly brighter as she helped him to apply it. There was no memory of that this night, no. Only the self assured yet gentle movement of his hand against her down there before..

 

Enya was young, older than she had been maybe five minutes ago with this new realization, but still so very young. She paced across the tiny ship, from the makeshift bedroom to the captain’s seat in no more than three strides, and sat down, her face in her hands.

 

_ What are we gonna do? _

 

Her mission ended the next day. The test complete, she packed up her stuff and began the flight back. Enya passed a small planet, barely big enough to be inhabited, that served as a trade post and markets for the surrounding system. She landed quietly and found the nearest map, her eyes scanning the titles for something health related. After finding it, Enya set out on her trek, this one somehow infinitely longer than the month-long bout of solitude she had just endured. She picked up the first one her eyes landed on.

 

“No, no, no” Said an elderly Amaran woman, stopping her hand reaching for the box, “you get scan”

 

Enya’s brow furrowed a little, the woman's broken Basic was easy enough to understand, but  _ what  _ scan? Why? The woman seemed to be able to read Enya’s mind, seizing her by the wrist and nearly dragging her along behind her.

 

“Doctor Kherzig!” The woman called, catching the attention of a man in a white uniform, his little silver name tag bearing the intergalactic symbol for Doctor.  _ Well.. At least I know it’s safe, right? _

 

“Did you find her, Meli?” He asked, looking just a little amused as he put away his datapad

 

Meli, apparently, nodded vigourously, “Dr. Kherzig,  _ she need scan! _ ” Enya couldn't help but smile at the woman’s elated expression as she started speaking very quickly in a language Enya's couldn't understand. The doctor responded in the same tongue, giving her a kind smile and a nod. Before departing, Meli turned her eyes on her again, smiling widely and saying something in that language as she laid a small hand on Enya’s cheek.

 

“She just blessed you” said the doctor quietly, “and the child she believes is growing. Would you like the scan? It's no more than the other tests we offer, a lot of people are just shy about such a private thing.”

 

“Um.. I guess.. How did she..?”

 

He smiled again, and Enya thought it was nice. Being a doctor suited him, she decided, he was very comforting, “Meli’s kind of my apprentice, she has a bit of foresight. So when she told me this morning that there would be a young woman in need of a pregnancy scan, I believed her. And here you are”

 

Enya nodded, looking gratefully at him as he led her to a small office, he sat on one side of the desk, she took her place on the other. The room was small, plain, white as the uniform he wore.

 

“My credentials” he explained, sliding the datapad across the desk to her, “so you are aware you are in a safe, sterile environment and not being conned. Your privacy agreement is the next page, if you would swipe left and sign at the bottom when you're finished.”

 

She read though it quickly, making sure it didn't involve anything weird or about them being able to keep her information when it was over.

 

After taking down information such as her height, weight, and other relevant data (like when her last cycle was and if she's had unprotected sex at all, much to her embarrassment) the man led her into a slightly larger room, and asked her to sit in the reclined examination chair. 

 

“I'm just gonna need you to pull your shirt up a bit, so the scanner can get at your belly” his accent was familiar, she found herself wondering absently where the man was from. Enya shifted a little nervously in her seat, looking at him with worried eyes.

 

“Meli knows how to do that scan.. If you're more comfortable with a woman” he offered, looking apologetically at her. He started to put the device down and she knew if she lost her nerve now she wouldn't be able to go through with it.

 

“No, no,” Enya shook her head, tugging up the hem of her shirt, “thank you, I'll be okay”

 

The scanner was set across her, like a little bridge going across her abdomen. A screen to her left flickered to life, displaying a loading symbol as the machine scanned her body.

 

“Oh, there it is” he said as a green check mark flashed onto the screen. And there it was, in a small window next to it was a projected image of a little shape. It was little more than a bundle of cells at this point, but Enya found herself tearing up, something maternal suddenly rising within her.

 

_ A child,  _ she thought,  _ our child. _

 

_ I can't wait to tell Ben. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just btw Enya is a Celtic name and it means "Little Flame" ^.^
> 
> Also the only reason I have this much motivation is because I'm doing this fic for Camp NaNoWriMo and I definitely didn't steal that thing from Breaking Dawn because I'm a shitty writer haha byeeeee


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooooo I straight up forgot I wrote this. Sorry it took so long lol. I might write more? I'm not sure

Kylo Ren pulled back, out of the memory, out of  _ her  _ memory of discovering the existence of the little life inside her. He hated himself for looking at it, for allowing himself to attach sentiment to that brief, burning comet of a life that never even got to be. Because he knew, the very next day she arrived back to the Academy and saw what he had done. How he had destroyed their lives.

 

The Knight of Ren clenched his fists, eyes automatically searching for something to destroy with his rage. Miraculously, he was able to shake it away, his mind ringing with the thoughts of those that criticized his outbursts.  _ There’s no need to give them more fuel,  _ he thought, stomping away to find the nearest training room and run off some of his excess energy.

 

Eventually her body healed, the regrown cells matching almost seamlessly to her uninjured flesh. The only evidence that there had been damage at all was a faint raised line along the edge where the new and old skin met. Her first day up and out of the bed, a fellow resistance member offered to cut her hair. She sat in the woman’s small room on a stool in front of her mirror, watching as the singed ends fell away around her. It hadn’t been this short since she had been at the Academy. She winced at the thought, making the woman miss her last cut, the single long section hanging behind her ear eerily imitating what used to be her Padawan braid.

 

For just a second, she was that wide eyed young girl again, eager to learn, eager to fall in love, completely unaware of what was coming in her future. 

 

It was gone with a  _ snip _ .

 

\-----

 

“General” she greeted, a low nod acting as a sort-of bow as she entered the older woman’s office, “You wanted to see me?”

 

“Yes” Leia rose from her seat, pausing awkwardly in front of the woman she had once hoped to be her daughter-in-law, unsure of whether to hug her or shake her hand, “How are you feeling?’

 

“I am well healed, thank you” she gave a small, not entirely fake, smile.

 

“I didn’t mean physically, Enya” she gave the woman a knowing look, “Would you be willing to tell me  what happened?”

 

Stars, it sounds as simple as chatting over coffee. 

 

“I’m sorry, General, I know you’re eager for news but..”

 

“It’s all right, I know it was a lot to process, seeing him” Enya bit down on the inside of her cheek, willing her tears back,  _ I thought I had run them dry _

 

She couldn’t trust her voice, so she chose to simply nod, looking apologetically down at her superior.

 

“Don’t worry about it, the incident is very fresh in all our minds, I’m certain yours and mine more than most.”

 

She had nearly forgotten

 

“ _ Oh!  _ General, I’m so sorry.” Enya reached out reflexively to touch the older woman’s arm, stopping a few inches away when she considered what was appropriate between a general and her subordinate. _ What about almost family members? _

 

“Thank you, Sergeant” the General nodded, giving a grateful, if not strained, smile. They stood in a moment of rather awkward silence, Enya glancing around the office, over the familiar desk and chairs.

 

“Your hair” the general tried her hand at small talk, “who cut it for you”?

 

“Ensign Coulter, ma’am. I'm sorry if it's not regulation..”

 

“It's fine, Enya, I just meant.. I haven't seen it that short since..” Her sentence trailed off painfully 

 

“Since Ben and I were in the Academy” she provided, avoiding the older woman’s eye

 

“Yes”

 

“General?” She asked, her eyes filling with tears again

 

“Yes, Seargent?”

 

“Could I please have a hug?” The childlike tone of her voice almost made Leia smile. She loved the girl, she always had, looking on her like a daughter, even after everything that happened with her son.

 

“Of course you can” the general reached up and pulled the taller woman into a tight embrace, her own eyes starting to water as she felt Enya’s body shake with a soft sob.

 

\----

 

The man that was once Ben Solo sat in meditation, as it seemed he was always doing, and found his mind wandering again to his past life, as it seemed it was always doing. 

 

_ “Ben! Stop!”  _ The memory of Enya giggled at him, bright eyed as he chased her through the dense forests of the planet they were being trained on

 

_ “You’ll have to learn to outrun me, if you want to pass the tests”  _ The younger version of himself called back. No. Kylo’s mind stopped.  _ I am not that boy. I killed that boy. _

 

And still in his mind the two of them ran as children, twisting made-up paths through the trees until he caught her small frame,

 

_ “You lose”  _ He pinned her to a large tree, but it wasn’t threatening. In their love addled state the two teens played together like puppies. There was her laugh again, and her warm arms sliding around his shoulders to pull herself up into his embrace. His lips were descending, an inch from hers when suddenly the vision changed.

 

The light was gone, the forest dark and cold and he realized he was no longer hugging the girl to him, but holding her high up off the ground with his hands wrapped tightly around her throat, “ _ Ben! Stop”  _ she repeated, this time all traces of mirth sucked out of her tone.  _ Ben is dead _ came a voice in his head. Snoke’s voice. And he said the phrase aloud to her.

 

“ _ And in a moment, you will be too. _ ” Kylo couldn’t open his eyes, couldn’t escsape the terrifying vision as he watched the life drain from her eyes with a final whimper of what used to be his name. It was sickeningly real feeling. In an instant he was in his room on the Finalizer again, shaking as the Supreme Leader’s voice echoed through his mind.

  
_ I thought you hadn’t let her in. I hope that was warning enough. _

**Author's Note:**

> I tried to work in something about the force combined with her emotional trauma causing it? It made sense in my mind but written down it sounded too weird, this ended up very Greys Anatomy.


End file.
